Day Two of Blogging Challenge

Yes, I know this day is almost over and I will barely get this post in under the wire. See yesterday's post for my excuses!

As I mentioned yesterday, I haven't wanted to blog at all since my son died in November. In fact, I haven't wanted to do much of anything. I have a number of good books, some on grief, that I should read; I have a room full of Michael's clothes and personal things that I need to go through and deal with; I have a spiritual life that I have neglected way too much (ditto for my husband and my friends and family).  All I have wanted to do is be a couch potato, a vegetable, and watch reruns of NCIS and CSI that I have seen countless times before.

If it were not for my husband, I might have become a total recluse, shutting myself off from everyone and everything. He, and that little girl I keep every day, are probably the only reasons I haven't done that. Walt and I went through a 13 week class called GriefShare at our Church. It was very good, forcing us to deal with our emotions in relation to the loss of our son, as well as our relationship with each other and with other family and friends. It also emphasized the importance of our relationship with God during this journey of grief that we are on. That should be pretty obvious for a Christian, right? 

If I can, and by that I mean if I have the strength and courage, I will try to deal with the relationship between my faith and the experience of losing one of my two sons in a blog post this week.

Thanks for stopping by.

Responding to a Blogging Challenge

So, one of my favorite bloggers, Conversion Diary, has issued a challenge to post something everyday for seven days, starting today. Well this is a challenge indeed, for a number of reasons. First of all I have not  posted anything to my blog since my son, Michael, died last November. I hope the reasons for that are self-explanatory. (I would start to post to my blog, but couldn't think of anything worth talking about in light of that life-changing event.)

Oh, I have other excuses: I keep a one-year old every day and this week my three grandsons (ages 12, 10 and 7) will be here as well, and the weather is rainy with a chance of rain, and I need to plan indoor activities for them. . . etc., etc. etc.

But then I remembered that the woman issuing this blogging challenge has six children under the age of 10 and they all live with her ALL THE TIME.  She homeschools, blogs, writes books - and that barely scratches the surface of her active life. Needless to say I am in awe of her. So I decided to participate in her blogging challenge.

One last thing for today's post: not to sound too much like a country song, but my dog died last week, so the grandchildren will help to fill an otherwise empty house.

Thanks for the challenge Jen!



Life Changes... But It Never Ends

My heart hurts. My heart hurts when I look at pictures of him as a young child or as a teenager. Even in recent pictures as a 30 year old you can see the playful smile that made him instantly likable. Or as his best friend said at the memorial service, "To meet him was to like him; to know him was to love him." That was (and is) our son Michael.  He died last Thursday, November 1, 2012 and my heart hurts.

I remember an old TV commercial that used the catch-phrase, "the heartbreak of psoriasis". Really? I guess if you "suffer" from that condition you hurt, but "heartbreak"? I have known the pain of losing someone close, a high school boyfriend, a favorite high school teacher, my grandmother, my grandfather and my own Daddy. I have known the shock of losing a friend through suicide, or the sudden inexplicable death of the nine year old son of a friend. You don't live to be my age without experiencing the pain and loss of death. That doesn't make it any easier when death comes like a thief in the night again and steals something as precious as a son.

A pastor friend who delivered the eulogy at the memorial service last Monday used the same word to describe death, "thief". He acknowledged our pain and even more importantly, our anger, at losing Michael at such a young age. It was good to be reminded that death is not always a friend and that anger is a normal and appropriate emotion at such times. We know that anger is one of the stages of grief and if I haven't experienced that yet, I undoubtedly will sooner or later. But Gary also used the occasion to remind us and explain to those hundreds of young people who were grieving the loss of a friend, why, as Christians, we can be joyful in the midst of our pain, hopeful in spite of our grief and why we can look forward to a future with Michael, not just re-live our past with him. My prayer for everyone reading this is that you too would know the joy and hope that comes from knowing God and his son Jesus Christ. Sometime you might just find that it is the only thing that can sustain you.

The End is The Beginning

First of all, I can't believe it's been two months since I posted something on this blog. Well, at least I'm consistent in my inconsistency. I might ascribe it to my general lack of self-discipline or laziness, but in this instance I've got a good excuse.  No, really.  The long-anticipated October wedding is just a few days away and I've spent many, many hours over the past few months preparing for this moment.

In February I made a vow to lose at least 50 pounds before this event.  I did it!  I also decided early on that I wanted to do a lot of the work on the rehearsal dinner myself and I did that.  I spent untold hours scouring the Internet for ideas.  I picked a theme, made the decorations and the invitations, and I canned 60+ jars of peach jam for favors. I've located various and sundry sources for the things I couldn't make.  [Thank you Etsy.]  Today we travel to Cape Cod for what I know will be a beautiful wedding and a great time with family and friends from all over the country.

In some ways this is the culmination of nine months of planning and hard work.  It is also the beginning of a new phase in my life as surely as it is the beginning of a new stage in my son's life.  For the first time, he will be a husband.  I will have a daughter-in-law. She is the little girl, now a beautiful young woman, I've been praying for since my son was born - the one that God picked out for him and him alone. 

A wedding celebrates the beginning of a new life, not unlike the celebration at the birth of a child.  This week, we celebrate the beginning of one life from two lives.  "And the two shall be as one..."

The Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste

To say that I've had a few things on my mind lately would be an understatement and while I'm certainly not the first person to feel overwhelmed by "life" I wonder how many people have nightmares about it.  Especially nightmares with such vivid, memorable images -->

Yep, that's how I pictured my brain last night. Is it any wonder I can't focus or sleep for that matter? It doesn't help matters that I'm not feeling well and I don't have time to be sick. The Wedding is 8 weeks away!!!  This past week was particularly stressful since I found out that the location for the rehearsal dinner will NOT be ready in time after all. Luckily we have a plan B, but even that is not set in stone yet. Everything that I need to do this month hinges on finalizing this. As an aside, plan B will be a little more expensive so now we're getting serious about budgeting for this event.

Oh, and speaking of budgeting . . . never, never, never ask "what else can go wrong?"  Someone [God?] might think you're issuing a challenge, not making a rhetorical statement!

So, did I mention that Lucy the Lab tore her other CCL and needs surgery again; that DH has a torn bicep tendon that is acting up and he may need surgery as well? And that's just for starters.

On the plus side, I've lost 50 lbs on my diet so far.  Of course, not being able to keep any food down helps, but whatever! Now my short-term goal for the 8 weeks before the wedding is to lose 15-20 more lbs.  Can I do it?  What do you think? All I know is that I'm not buying my dress for the wedding, or any other clothes for that matter, until mid September or later if I dare!

Summer Here and Some are Not!

So, I don't know where June went. Really. It was a crazy, hectic month but with no commitments so I expected to get lots done. I did, in fact, get a lot accomplished, but not the things I planned on doing. 

Just about the time that my commitment to the family next door ended (they moved to CT at the end of May) we decided to buy all new carpeting and hardwood floors for the house. This involved a lot more work on my part than I ever imagined. At the same time we decided that some rooms needed painting before they got new floors, so DH and I took on that project as well. We got everything done and the house put back together (for the most part) by July 4th. A lot of stuff is just piled in closets waiting for me to organize and also to get rid of more things we don't need or use anymore. We already have a garage full of furniture waiting for a good home - someone else's home!

On July 9th following a whirlwind visit from our oldest son and his fiance, I started my new "job." Here's a picture of my new "boss." Yep, I'm crazy. I'm keeping a friend's baby now that she's gone back to work full-time. I've always been a sucker for babies and I was thrilled that someone would actually pay me to watch over their precious little one. So far this doesn't feel like much of a job, but I'll keep you posted.

In addition of course there's the wedding planning. Thank goodness I'm only responsible for a rehearsal dinner, but since a lot of the decor, etc. will be DIY there is much to decide and much to do and only 12 weeks to do it in before the big day. I do tend to obsess about these things and I know that I could probably go on Etsy and buy someone else's handmade place cards and table decor and favors, but I've got to have some outlet for my creativity and this year, the wedding is it! Most of my time so far has been spent researching, gathering ideas and making samples. I'm just now starting to purchase my supplies. I promise to post pictures after the big event. But this week the work begins. My daughter and family will be here for a week and she and I are making peach jam - about 60 jars. Yikes! Hope everyone likes peach jam!! 

Motivations and Milestones (continued)

It's been a while since I mentioned my personal weight loss program. I say 'personal' because I'm not following any commercial programs, like Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig.  The only requirements on my plan were: no alcohol, no candy, no bread and exercise 3-4 times per week.  I started this plan at the beginning of Lent, but early on I decided I would continue the regimen after Lent and until I had lost at least 50 pounds.

Well, I have lost 30 pounds so far!! Woo Hoo!!  But, I can tell that I am at a crossroads of a sort.  There are too many days that I am tempted to NOT work out and while I have stuck with my diet restrictions, there have been days that I have eaten too much, or things I should not have.  I know it is not uncommon to reach plateaus on a long-term journey like this.  And I know that I can't allow momentary lapses and temptations to derail my plan.

So this week, I've decided to step up my work-out schedule - go to the gym more often, increase the length of time I work out, etc. and kind of start over with the diet, you know, go back to what was working in the beginning. I know that I can do this, I just need to believe in myself again and not lose sight of the long-term goal.

What have you found that works to move you off the plateau you're on in your own journey?  It might not even be a weight loss journey.  Maybe it is a spiritual journey or a self-improvement program of another type.  If you have any tips, I'd love to hear them. Thanks for stopping by.